... I decide it's time for a vacation

And as much as a trip across the pond to grey, gloomy London would be more depressing than seeing yet another Michael Jackson Special Tribute on TV, I have decided to take a vacation from life and those around me.

It's not actually quite as dramatic as it sounds, really.

I've just come to the realization that I need to pull myself toward myself. I've forgotten who I used to be. I need to focus on my short and long term goals and I need to start regaining my independence.

As such, I shall be pulling myself away from social networking and blogging and friends and beverage houses of ill repute. Not forever, mind you, for that would be a very long time. Just long enough that I can be once again centered, useful, worthwhile, and above all, HAPPY.

This is going to be a vacation like no other.

See you when I get back.

... darkness sets in

I'm not gonna lie; these past couple weeks have been hell.

And slowly the walls have been closing in around me. It's as though I have the reverse of what our friend Midas had. Everything I touch turns to shit! Friendships. Relationships. You name it.

So yesterday I started seeing a therapist. One of those lie-on-my-expensive-leather-sofa-and-tell-me-your-problems kind of therapist. So I did. And these were her initial findings:

Childhood neglect has lead me to find inner strength in my independence to the detriment of building meaningful relationships. I put up a wall and dance around the issues at hand so as not to have to deal with them.

All very interesting. But how long before I can be 'normal' again? Oh, weekly sessions at $195 a pop should do the trick. And in the meantime I'll live in a cardboard box and eat from garbage cans.

But in all seriousness, there is some truth to what she picked up. I'm not good with people. I don't know how to deal with them. I get annoyed with stupid people and get intimidated with smart people. I screw up friendships and relationships, well, it's been so long since I've had a proper one that I don't even know where I would begin.

Maybe I'm destined to be single. And there's nothing wrong with that. I have a strong, independent cousin who has never married. She lives through her family (two sisters) and their kids and her work, and she is happy. And successful. I want to be like that. And no, she is not a lesbian.

There's nothing wrong with being single. Sure, a warm body next to you in bed feels great. But when emotions start getting involved, it all goes straight to shit, and when everything else around you starts feeling the same way, you start to panic. Which is why my doctor's office slammed me with Xanax. Let me tell you a little something about Xanax: they should NOT be taken with alcohol. I learned the hard way. I was out on my ass with nowhere to live. A friend reluctantly let me in and my drug/alcohol combination left me wobbly on me knees and I made a fool of myself. My fault. I admit it. I shouldn't have combined them. But I did. Now that friend is gone forever. Yet another screwed up friendship because of my lack of respect for others, drugs, and my inability to connect with people.

Life is just one sick joke. Seriously. And I don't think it's a funny one either.

... my life becomes one of these

Ok, seriously, all visual metaphors aside, things have been shit lately and I need Prozac or something to get me through the next couple weeks. So this past weekend, M & I headed in her airconditionless car to Kennywood - an amusement park just outside the city.

You see, M works in the media industry and got free tickets! Score!

So off we trotted. One roller coaster after the next. And each one had higher climbs, steeper drops, more dips. Yup, just like my life.

But with as much brown stuff as I am having to deal with, I refuse, point blank, to let things go off the rails. That would not be nice, or pleasant.

And yes, the Phantom's Revenge was my last ride of the day.

... my home becomes the Dolly Parton House of Love

The room mate has found a new love interest. Yesterday marked their one-week 'anniversary'.

In this time, they have gazed lovingly into one another's eyes. They have cuddled on the sofa. And the love interest has moved in!

Now I'm all for helping someone out - he lives at home with Mom and Dad - but to be told, "Oh, R is moving in for a while." is quite a thing.

I wasn't asked, but hell, whatever. As long as he chips in for rent and food, whatever. Seriously. But all this cooey cooey lovey dovey stuff makes me want to reach into the medicine cabinet for an anti nausea pill.

I've tried chatting to the room mate about the tremendous speed this 'relationship' is going at but was told, "Sometimes you just know!" Mmmmm, ok. Well, I'm happy he's happy. But in the interim, I'm waiting to hear this played around the house:

"Love is like a butterfly
As soft and gentle as a sigh
The multicolored moods of love are like its satin wings
Love makes your heart feel strange inside
It flutters like soft wings in flight
Love is like a butterfly, a rare and gentle thing"

Thanks, Dolly. Please pass the Zofran.

... I take my cat to the vet

It's way overdue. I've been living in Pittsburgh for about a year and a half now and the young feline has never had a physical, and is due for his rabies shot.

But there's a burning question: what exactly does a full physical of a cat entail? A thermometer up the bum? Deep breaths while the vet checks his heart for irregularities?

Well, we're both about to find out.

... my nephew turns ONE!

My bundle of joy nephew turned a whole year young over the weekend. And, because kids at that age have amazing memories, a big bash was planned for him. Decorations, dinosaurs, cake, juice, drunken parents, the works!

Hollywood should sit up and take note because this, ladies and gentlemen, is how you throw a REAL birthday party.

Not sure what gifts the young king received, but I'm pretty sure there was no gold, Frankincense or mur.

But apparently everyone had a good time. Come on, who doesn't enjoy cake and sweets and ankle biters?

And yes, he has a funny eye. Not funny in the laughing way, just funny in the odd way. And if any of you have a problem with that, come as see uncle!

Maybe I'll even get to meet the young king one day. You see, it's been over four years since I hopped aboard a large metal air ship destined for the dark continent.

One day. Hopefully soon.

Happy Birthday, B.

... I decide to point out the Rules of the Universe

Sometimes things don't go as well as we would like to hope. Oh hell, things NEVER go the way we want to. So I've decided to share my take on what rules might be able to help other friendly folks in the future:


1. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

2. Don't worry about what people think; they don't do it very often.

3. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian anymore than standing in a garage makes you a car.

4. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

5. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.

6. A person, who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person. (This is very important. Pay attention! It never fails.)

7. For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.

8. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.

9. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

10. A conscience is what hurts when all of your other parts feel so good.

11. Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.

12. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it. Embrace your differences. Love each other.

13. No man has ever been shot while doing the dishes.

14. A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.

15. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.

16. Opportunities always look bigger after they have passed.

17. Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.

18. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.

19. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.

20. By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.

21. Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.

22. Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.

23. It ain't the jeans that make your butt look fat.

24. There is a very fine line between 'hobby' and "mental illness."

25. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.

26. You should not confuse your career with your life.

27. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.

28. Never lick a steak knife. Don't ask, just trust me.

29. The most destructive force in the universe is gossip.

30. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time.

31. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.

32. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers.

33. Your friends love you anyway.

34. Never be afraid to try something new. Remember that a lone amateur built the Ark. A large group of professionals built the Titanic.

35. How old would you be if you didn't know how old you are?

... it is what it is

I admit it, I'm a stubborn ess oh bee. But not just stubborn for the sake of being stubborn because that would simply make me an asshole. I'm stubborn because I believe in my convictions.

Recently, I was introduced to someone's life quote - IT IS WHAT IT IS.

Interesting take on life.

A friend swings your cat in a plastic shopping back from your rotating washing line. Why? No reason, it just is what it is.

You go to the fridge to pour yourself a glass of Coke, and you find the bottle empty - in the fridge! Don't freak out. It is what it is.

Now I thought there was no arguing with this very simple philosophy. I was wrong because I found an argument. Why? Because I'm stubborn and I have thought long and hard about it. I thought about it until my head hurt.

"John, you MoFo, you finished all the Coke!"

"Dude, it is what it is."

"No you selfish armpit odor, it is NOT what it is. What it WAS was full. Now it's empty. You finished it."

"Sorry dude, it is what it is."

"Get up off your sorry ass and get me some more Coke. THAT, my friend, is what it is. YOU replacing my finished Coke."

See? It is what it is is not all it was cracked up to be. The world is NOT a desolate desert of definitive endings. Because for every action, there is an equal and opposite REaction. I love the guy who came up with that one.

... two friends decide to get married

But this won't be your average run-of-the-mill kind of wedding. No, sirree Bob.

My friend N and his beau shall be tying the knot. And while this shall be a momentous occasion, it makes me wonder why the most industrialized nation in the world only allows/recognizes same-sex marriages three, yes THREE, states.

Then we have South Africa. A little bitty country on the tip of Africa that legalized same-sex marriage back in November 2006. And yet people scoff at us South Africans and ask stupid questions like, "But why are you white?" when they meet us.

Yes, South Africa became the fifth country in the world to legalize same-sex marriage, and is the first country in Africa to do so.

Makes me proud that I come from a country that open.

But back to my friend. I don't know when, and I don't know where, but he is going to marry another guy. How cool is that?

My only question is this: what would the minister say? "you may now kiss the ..... um, the .... uh ..."?

"Dear Life, I love you. There, I've said it.

I love everything about you. I love how you throw hurdles at me and have the knowledge and confidence that I will overcome them. I love how you are there when I fall asleep in the wee hours of the morning, and are right there when I wake up in the afternoon. You're like a loyal dog.

I love how you bring variation to everything I do, feel, think, and believe. I love how you question my goals, and test my faith. I love how sometimes you make me feel social enough to go out and meet other people, and yet I always seem to come back home with you.

I love you keep me on my toes, and yet still manage to keep me grounded. You truly are amazing and I would be thrilled to spend the rest of my days with you.

Oh Life, I understand that sometimes things need to happen in order to shape me into the person I am. But why must you always be such a constant struggle? There have been times when I have wished you away but never had the desire to get rid of you. For without you I have nothing, I would BE nothing.

Life, you are my best friend and my worst enemy, all rolled into one. I love you and I hate you, but I will always, ALWAYS need you.

Love always,

Me"

... I might become a HOBOsapien

I may have been born a Homosapien, but if things don't start working out for me, I may well soon become a hobosapien.

The room mate and I had a huge fight. I mean huge. On the street. Late late on a Friday night. Fists - and tempers - were raised. And we both agreed it would be the best thing for me to move out.

The thing is, I had spoken to him about it before and he didn't like that idea. And now he is asking me to stay. But I can't.

So I have been searching "room mate wanted" ads and all I see are ads for '8 college kids looking for a 9th in our 5 bedroom house." Seriously? I can't live somewhere like that. I'm not 19 anymore.

Or the ad that read, "Room mate wanted. Bust have a bangin body." Hey my carcass ain't half bad, but it's not bangin, so I guess that one's out.

It's not easy, this room mate search. Sure, I have money coming in each month and I am bound to be working soon, but for now, I need to find a new home. I can't stay where I am anymore. It gets a little awkward at times.

I just need a break. Cut me a break, big guy. Please. I don't want to be homeless. All I ask for is a quiet, respectful room mate, a hot bath at least once a day, and some dark and quiet when i need to sleep. In return, I promise to let you pet my cat, I'll go halves on food and utilities and rent, and you must have cable. Easy, no?

... they shot a TV commercial while I had my hair cut

Very cool. So there I was, sitting in the chair looking straight back at the person staring at me in the mirror when I noticed a video camera and a lamp behind me.

Turns out the folks who own the little hair cutting/coloring/styling/drying place were having a TV commercial shot. But alas, I do not have a face for camera so I shall not be featured in the commercial, to be broadcast around the greater Pittsburgh area. Oh well.

Lights. Camera. Action.