After a 2-month hiatus...

"So, REJ, You've been kinda busy huh?"

Yup, you could say that.

"Is that why you have a picture of a roller coaster posted here?"

Yes. It's called a metaphor.

"A little 'first thought', don't you think? A roller coaster? Seriously?"

I didn't ask for your opinion.

"Well I offered it anyway."

I noticed.

"So tell your hungry readers what you've been doing during your hiatus."

I got a new job with a cool little tech company. I got sued and charged with 'Disorderly Conduct'. I was going to head home for Christmas but now it looks like I'm not. And my cat got fleas.

"Fleas? Wow, that sucks. Wait, sued and charged? YOU?"

Yes, I don't want to talk about it.

"And that's your right. Ah, ok, now I see the roller coaster metaphor for your life thing."

You're a smart one, voice in my head. Keep it up.

When Fido is not wet-nose healthy

Take him to your local church where, for a few shekels, the church person shall mutter a few words and kazam, just like that, your dog DOG can be blessed by GOD.

It truly is amazing what money buys you these days.

Kingdom of Bahrain

                         Bahrain International Airport




Dear Customs Official,

This short note is to let you know that I shall soon be arriving via a commercial aircraft from perhaps eight different stop-overs to arrive at your podunk island. I do not anticipate my luggage arriving with me on that flight so I am asking in advance that you give my bulging hand luggage free passage through customs.

I realize you may not have ever seen some of the items in my hand luggage, like the razor and shaving cream. People around the world have been known to use these two items together for removing hair from one's body. Don't get too excited by the shiny silver can. It is not an Al-Queda-approved detonation device! It is, in fact, AXE deodorant. Please feel free to use some, under your arms, around your torso, down your pants, and on your dry cracked feet.

The look of surprise at my under-pigmented skin is not appreciated. I'm from Africa, we don't tolerate racism - anymore. Once, back in high school, I erected a basic stand to raise funds for black children who had fallen victim to the abuse of white supremists. After not making any money the first day, I returned the following day, full of hope, only to find that my stand had been beaten down and destroyed.

Since it will more than likely be hotter in your airport than it is at the center of the sun, I shall be wearing cargo shorts, flip-flops and a t-shirt. In your experienced opinion, would I be showing too much flesh? I wouldn't want to have my ankles smacked with a dry stick by one of your religious police officers.

Do not be surprised by the fact that I am not being followed by a herd of desert goats as I pass through your venerated establishment. I realize many visitors to your fine country prefer to travel with their livestock, but I shall be leaving mine back on the arid farm as I find they get very bored very quickly on the plane and as such tend to cause havoc. I do not want to be labeled, "that white tourist with the roudy goats". I may, however, be traveling with my pet cat. No, this is not intended to be a future meal, but, in fact, is being transported (with a valid international health certificate, in both English and Arabic) to keep me company during my stay in your fine country. Please refrain from licking your lips or offering me coins when I do finally let the cat out the bag!

Do you have taxi automobiles outside your world-class international airport? Or should I attempt to pre-arrange a ride via wooden cart drawn by a donkey? Where would I find one of these?

I thank you in advance and look forward with trepidation to my trip.

Regards,

T. Raveler

I'm going back to the Land of Sand

Several years ago, I boarded a plane in a dirty little airport in Abu Dhabi and settled back in my squished-yet-cushioned seat for what was going to be a very long flight - via Amsterdam, on to San Francisco. Now it appears that five years of trying to get all that of the Middle Eastern deserts out of my ears, I have an itch to go back. And so shall it be. That itch shall be scratched.

Next week I shall be boarding yet another plane. This one bound for Bahrain, via where who knows?! An email, a phone call, and a job offer later, I find myself headed back to the hottest place on the planet. Sure, we're going into winter, but all that means is a little less sizzle - until May. Will keep yinz updated.

It's called urban camping

And it sucks. It's like being back in college.

A couple weeks back my electricity was switched off. Turns out I forgot to pay my bill. Hey, it happens. Sometimes you think, "Today I shall pay my electric bill", and then something comes up and you forget and you think, "Ok, I'll do it tomorrow".

Unbeknownst to me, my bill was a whopping $1400. Have I been paying for the entire city's electric? Not cool. Either way,  I get home from work, walk into my sweat box, have a shower (candle light - it's all very romantic) and try to fall asleep.

I finally realized where that rancid odor was coming from. When your fridge isn't running, it can't keep its contents fresh. As such, I had to clean out the mold forest that had devoured my fridge. It's almost paid up so hopefully I'll have lights and air conditioning for the weekend.

British vs. Italian

So a couple weeks back I started working at this new Italian restaurant in my neighborhood. Small. Cozy. Good food. I'm not gonna lie, at the end of the first couple shifts, I wanted to hack off my own feet with a butter knife. Standing and running and slipping and bending over for about six hours straight tends to do damage to one's feet.

But now I'm getting used to it - and the nice regular pay check.

Stop by for a munch, Italian-style. The British may have cornered the bangers & mash market, but we're working on conquering the salmon, pasta, and baciole markets.

HOT HOT HOT

I remember when I lived in the Middle East, the temperature would often soar above 50 degrees Celsius. And if you were in say, Dubai, where the humidity is 100%, well, you can imagine the heat.


So I'm left puzzled and perplexed at how meteorologists and weather experts are saying this is going to be the hottest summer on record. Come on, really? Today in Pittsburgh it's just 34 degrees Celcius. Sure, it's a little toasty, but seriously, it's not that bad. Hop on an Emirates flight and spend a day or two in the Land of Sand. THEN you'll know what hot is.

How can something so deadly be so beautiful?

Another week, another volcanic eruption in Iceland.

I was speaking to a friend yesterday about this beautiful puff of smoke up there on the very top of the world and he asked how we pissed off Mother Nature so badly as to have random tsunamis, volcanic eruptions, landslides, and extreme seasons.

My only thought to appease this Mother Nature person is to sacrifice a virgin by tossing her into the volcano. Only problem is, this is 2011. Where do you find a virgin?

The end of the world is nigh

Question: Why is everyone so obsessed with the apocolypse, or armageddon? They say the world will end tomorrow. It was also supposed to end in 2000. And according to those smart Mayan folk, you have until the 21st of December 2012 to get all your Sodom and Gomorrah desires dealt with. 

I've got too much going on to even think about. If it ends, it ends. Am I supposed to plan for it? Make provisions by stock-piling cans of beans and soup in my basement? Should I try escape it? What fun would that be? Imagine it for a minute, you're the sole survivor of the apocolypse. You crawl out of your bunker like a squirrel crawls out of its' tree hole at the end of winter only to find...nothing. If it's the end of the world, there's nothing. No trees, no Rite Aids, no gas stations, no McDonald's. Just nothingness. 

Heaven? Hell? Yowza, this is getting to deep for me. Let's see what The Onion has to say.   

Death smells like moth balls

Sick men are like babies. Scratch that. Sick men ARE babies. A persistent fever of 103 never killed anyone, geez. Suck it up. But either way, I decided that should I survive this douse of bubonic plague, I was going to go coffin shopping. It's kinda like shoe shopping, but it's not.



So I shopped around. This is the type of casket I want. Very smart. This is the corpse carriage I want our Lord and Saviour to see me in when She greets me at the pearly gates. Very smart, it makes a smacking statement.

Then I looked in my wallet and realized this is probably all I could afford - a d-i-y version of a pine box. Pffffff. Just throw me in an oven. I probably wouldn't even feel the heat given my persistent fever of 103.

I. am. sick.

I feel like this man looks! I have a fever, and my carcass aches, and my nose is running, my chest is congested, and I'm coughing up all sorts of things people shouldn't be coughing up. I haven't been sick in years, and then BAM! Zapped like lightening.

People at work are avoiding me like I have the plague - and working in cubicles doesn't help. Neither does the freezing cold airconditioning. My desk looks like a pharmacy counter. Sure, sometimes men are babies when they are sick, but come on, this has got to be strep throat, or tonsilitis, or something bad and viscous.

I hope I make a fully recovery soon. It's my birthday on Friday and I want to go to Philadelphia for the weekend.

Beannachtaí na Féile Pádraig

Yes, it's almost that time of the year again, when all those of Polish, Greek, Lithuanian, Mexican and Chinese descent pretend they are Irish and drink all things green. If this past Saturday parade day is anything to go by, this coming Thursday is going to be dangerous!

Just when you thought it was warming up

The skies open up and vomit out more snow. Thick, chunderous chunks of the white stuff.

So if you put away your winter coat, the wool hat Mom knitted for you when you were 12, and those silly gloves you think are so cool, it's time to dig them out and put them back on.

They're forecasting more snow! Hey, on the bright side, maybe spring will be a one-day event and we'll jump straight into summer! Awesome.

Pittsburgh ComiCon. Seriously.

A couple times a year, super heroes descend on Pittsburgh. How they get here, I do not know. Maybe they fly. Maybe they take the Bat Mobile. I do not know.

Either way, they come to Pittsburgh all garbed up and ready to fight crime (or do whatever it is they do) for the Comic Convention.

They came to Pittsburgh last week. But the question remains. What do you write on your Leave Request for work?

Brrrrrrrr-ace yourself

We have a cold front coming in from the north. And the south. And yes, both east and west. They say it's one of the most severe snowstorms on record. It's so cold my nose runs and my toes go numb. All this snow and I don't even know how to ski! I should would like to learn though. On second thoughts, the runny nose and shrivelled bits is not nice. I think I'll stay inside where it's nice and toasty. If I feel like seeing a snowman, I'll take a photo of one out my apartment window. Pittsburgh is cold, people.

Can I getta 'amen'?

Was walking in downtown Pitssburgh today and happened to pass the Smithfield Episcopal Church (for those of you in England and Australia and New Zealand and South Africa, that's the American version of Anglican). The folks at this church are quite witty. Look how they nailed today's motivational, thought-provoking notice board message on the head.

'A classic bedtime story'?'

For whom? Vampire kids?

I watched this dvd last night because my internet is down at home and my laptop is being temperamental. Anyway, it's about this pale, drugged-out Narf who climbs out of an apartment complex swimming pool and is "rescued" by the building superintendent.

But all is not as serene as it seems. Grass monsters with green fur, red eyes and yellow fangs lurk in the brush for our sipid heroine. Dangerous stick monkeys (dangerous because it is said they killed their parents the day they were born) attack said grass monster and all is well with the universe and the gal in need of a tan is rescued by the giant eagle!

I think the person who created this was on some pretty strong hallucinogenics. I can't imagine telling ANY child this as a 'classic bedtime story', not even Saddam Hussein's grandchildren!

Dang these things is hot!

If you're looking for a snack that clears your sinuses, look no further. I've found it. Holy cow bells, they're like Chilly Nik Naks.

As opposed to what?

Go on, read what it says under SALMON DINNER, there in the yellow strip. It says, "Made with real salmon".
I don't get it. If it says SALMON DINNER, shouldn't that naturally be made with real salmon? Or should assumptions not be made? These Americans are special people.

Subtitle movie night

What else to do on a cold, snowy winter's night that stay indoors with some hot chocolate and two foreign movies.

I love watching foreign films. You have the picture AND you have subtitles AND the audio. Three things going on at once, your eyes darting between the picture and the subtitles at the bottom of the screen. I'm multitasking tonight.

It's 2am

And I can't sleep. Listless. Restless. Annoyed. So far twenty eleven has been lame, like a bad movie with a slow beginning. Let's hope it picks up. But right now I'm hoping for sleep.

1.1.11

I've welcomed in a New Years at a club in Durban, on a beach in Kuwait, on the Vegas strip, at a cocktail party in New York, and now I can say I've welcomed one in at my apartment in Pittsburgh!

Happy New Year everyone.