Oh dear! Now they're being served on restaurant menus.

Now I don't know about you, but where I'm from, this a naughty word. No, not "Crispy", and no, not "Beef". Look one line higher, there where it mentions Fish Cake Salad. See it?

This was a menu item at a little Asian place in Oakland I ate at the other night.

I know regular lime is a little bitter, but I'm at a loss as to what this lime tastes like. As a friend of mine in Africa's pointy tip would say, "Answers on the inside of a lime peel!"

Tonight's dinner

It's no secret. I don't really like to cook. Sometimes it takes more time to cook a meal than it does to actually eat it. And that's just silly.

So tonight's dinner will be quick and simple. No plates to wash, no pans to scour.

Tonight we shall dine on Mike & Ike. No, not two guys named Mike and Ike, but rather a fat-free candy (or "sweets" as they call them down in darkest Africa). They come in a box and the most effort you have to put into this dinner is ripping off the corner and working your elbow to pour the contents into your hungry pie hole.

Quick. Easy. And Mum would be proud.

One. Two. Thr...MOTHER OF GOD!

A woman called the Make Me Beautiful Salon & Spa today and wanted to make an appointment. She sounded a little nervous when a guy answered the phone.

"Thank you for calling the Make Me Beautiful Salon & Spa. What may I do today to make you beautiful?"

"Oh, um, hi Spa guy, I need to make an appontment."

"Certainly. For a cut? A blow out? A mani & pedi? Maybe a brow tint?"

"Uh, mmm, no, I uh need a *hushed tones* bikini wax."

"Sorry, speak up please person who needs to be made beautiful. I cannot hear you."

"A bikini wax. For tomorrow morning. I have a, uh, meeting at 10am. Can I come in at 9am, under the disguise of dark?"

"Yes, that's fine. We will see you tomorrow at 9am upon which time you shall have the hair on either side of your panty line ripped from your flesh with hot wax and a strip of paper. Wonderful, see you then. And bring a stick a stick to bite on."

Not one, not two, but three

Sure, this economy may have a stick up its bum, but if one thing it's taught us, it's this: if you are a wekka, and you wekk very hard, you too can have three part-time jobs and make the money you made when you had one full-time job.

After sending out enough resumes and CVs with postage costs equialling the GDP of a small African country, I eventually got a few nibbles. Those nibbles turned into part-time jobs. So now I am gainfully employed on the weekends as a waiter, during the week days as a phone-answering, appointing-taking "concierge" at a spa, and in the evenings I work customer service support for a fund that helps folks who can't pay their utility bills.

I'm going to be a very busy wekka in the next few months.

Spring, she has sprung

And about bloody time too!

We have had a long, hard winter here in the 'Burgh. Snow piled up to a dwarf's shoulder. So now that the sun has emerged from its hibernation, the plants and stuff killed by the rigid cold have decided its time to come out. These beauties can be seen sprouting all over the city. Makes a nice change from all the dead grass.

And because the sun is finally out, I need to get away from my laptop and go outside to enjoy some of the rays. Until next time, soak it up.

Summer Vacation ideas

With the sudden re-emergence of that fiery ball in the sky, folks have started talking about summer vacation ideas. With so many options available, I can see where confusion could raise its ugly head. So I figured it would be a helpful if I shared a few vacation hot spot recommendations.

Jerusalem, Israel/Palestine (?)
This bustling metropolis has lots of sun, world-class beaches, and some of the most interesting scenery in the world. Kick back in a 2-star hotel, put on your head phones, sip on a Mai Tai, and watch the locals go about their daily business as you soak up the ambience of a travel destination that's sure to thrill. Be sure to take out several insurance policies before you leave home.

Jakarta, Indonesia

For those of you unfortunate enough not to live near a large river or an ocean, consider Indonesia. No-one speaks English and the tap water will land you in an emergency room, but the hotels are sturdy enough to withstand the force of a large body of water slamming against their walls. Despite the sweltering humidity, the beaches are often full, but occassionally have a tendency to empty very quickly, quite suddenly, leaving you with your very own spot, anywhere you like. The Indonesians are a very active people who enjoy running, so pack a pair of your favorite Nike running shoes, and a crate of bottled water. Be sure to visit your doctor for your Malaria shots before you leave, take a few power swimming refresher classes, and make sure your Last Will & Testament is up to date.

Addis Ababa, Ethiopia

For those intrepid travelers looking to shed those few extra winter pounds, consider Addis Ababa. With 2,638,500 people crammed in the country's capital, you're bound to run into a few locals. They're very friendly people ... and quite persistent. Take a leisurely stroll through one of the local markets and maybe pick up a $2 trinket or two. You'll be surprised at just how far a few dollars will go in Africa. So don your safari suit and your camo safari hat, because nothing screams, "I'm an American tourist", quite like looking like one. Be sure to pack several granola bars; they may be the only things you eat in Addis Ababa.

Tbilisi, Georgia

American citizens are forbidden from traveling the overland passing that spans between Russia and Georgia, but if you can get your hands on a forged foreign passport, this shouldn't be a problem. Georgia's rich history includes a bloody civil war which took place in the 80s and 90s and the Georgians are a passionate people - a group in northwest Georgia still refuses to recognize the country’s government. So despite the great deal of violence in the area, thrill seekers might want to consider visiting this region first. For wine lovers, Georgia might just be the ideal destination. With over 200 locally-grown wines, you could dim your hearing so as not to let the cries from people being beaten ruin your otherwise idyllic retreat.

Bujumbura, Burundi

Burundi is an exciting place to visit. This tiny land-locked African country is one of the ten poorest countries in the world and has the lowest per capita GDP of any nation in the world. This means your dollar will go far here. Burundi has been dealing with an ongoing civil war since 1993, with fighting between government forces and rebel factions being a common occurrence. So be sure to bring your camera for some pretty unique vacation snap shots to share with your friends when and if you return home. Groups of criminals regularly engage in car-jackings and muggings and mortar attacks are a regular part of life in the country, despite a cease-fire agreement among six of the rebel groups. So if you're looking to add a little excitement and spice to your summer vacation, Bujumbura might just be the place for you.

Darfur/Khartoum, Sudan

Sudan, a hot hell hole in Northeast Africa, is simply brimming with a variety of exotic diseases. So if you should get ill while traveling through this paradise, you will have a choice of any of the three hospitals for the country's six million citizens. Some of the diseases found in Sudan are so rare that they are not found anywhere else in the world. Others are more common, yet equally as deadly. Ebola and Malaria are common in Sudan so be sure to have your shots before you leave home. Equally exciting is the Guinea Worm that grow inside your body and then digs its way back out when it becomes an adult. Looking for a little excitement? Travel west to the Darfur region. There has been a little unrest there lately, but the photo opportunities are truly out of this world.

Bogotá, Columbia
If you're a lover of coffee (or cocaine), Columbia might be the ideal vacation destination for you. And thrill seekers and statiticians alike might like Columbia. This idyllic retreat has one of the highest violent crime rates in the world and reports 2,300 kidnappings of tourists each year. Drug cartel assassinations are a regular occurrence. If the pace of New York City is too much for you, consider this: on the average day, the country sees 8 highway robberies, 2 bank robberies, 87 murders, and 204 muggings or assaults. This vacation will be non-stop action from the day your plane is shot down until the day the U.N. tries to airlift you out. But at least you'd have been able to try a genuine Columbian blend, not that crap they serve at Starbucks.

Kabul, Afghanistan
If you've always wanted to witness firsthand a bloody coup, make Afghanistan your #1 choice for a summer vacation spot. According to the State Department, the number of vehicular bombings continue to grow and several areas of the country are actually banned for many members of the U.S. Embassy. This frees up much of the country for you to travel to unchartered spots without hordes of tourists ruining your photos. Be sure to pack your hiking boots though. Those mountains can be quite treacherous and you may even run into a news celebrity when you camp overnight in one of the many mountain caves.

Baghdad, Iraq
Want non-stop action? This popular destination spot is not for the faint of heart. And if you're an American tourist, take note. The rest of the world doesn't like you, especially in Iraq. So given the fact that U.S. citizens are particularly despised in the region, it is an even more dangerous place for Americans to visit. But don't let that deter you. Every day, civilians are killed from suicide bombings, so beware of locals who may seem over-friendly and come up to you and try hug you. Other than these minor setbacks, a front seat visit to Baghdad would allow you to experience change as it is happening. Just don't walk past parked cars.

So there you have it. Three exotic, off-the-beaten-track destinations to consider for your summer vacation this year. Dust off your passport, go for your shots, and renew your health insurance. The world is waiting. Bon Voyage!

Pain in my Lumbar Curve

This is a spine. Not everyone has one. Mine has been giving me a little trouble, down there where it says Lumbar Curve. Do you see it on the pic I found online?

So today I straightened my spine, pulled myself out of my chair and made my way to the Back Cracker. These Back Crackers are people who have spent a few years in Back Cracking college and then twist you and contort you into strange, ofetn uncomfortable positions. They almost relish that loud THWACK sound when they twist you into a human pretzel and your spine tries to shout out, "STOP", but it gets muffled and comes out at "THWACK".

Lower back is not fun. It makes me feel like an old man when I complain that my back is killing me. So instead of complaining, I decided to do something about it. Now I have to go back once a week and pay $50 per visit to have my spine scream out muffled cries of help.

But at least the pain will go away.

Sleep?

In my last post, I spoke about my need for sleep, and yet in this post I talk about my insomnia. What gives?

The human body is indeed a strange and complex thing. I need to pop a pill to get me to sleep at night. A little white pill. The other day I decided to take a look at the lable on my little orange pill case:

Here are some of the official precautions from the drug company that makes it:


- do not take if you are allergic to anything in it
- a common side effect is drowsiness
- After taking this drug, you may get up out of bed while not being fully awake and do an activity that you do not know you are doing. The next morning, you may not remember that you did anything during the night. Reported activities include driving a car (“sleep-driving”), making and eating food, talking on the phone, having sex and sleep-walking


Well isn't that reassuring?

Mmmmmmm sleeeeeep

Whoever said waiting tables was glamorous was lying! Plain and simple.

I'm just coming off three consecutive double shifts and a Sunday brunch shift. My feet hate me. My legs aren't talking to me and my lower back is having a hissy fit. It may be having spasms but I don't yet.

So my sleep has been interupted and I fully intend on catching up on as many Zzzzzzzzzs as I possibly can - before heading into the office early tomorrow morning all blurry eyed and bushy tailed.

I was on TV!

Ok, so it was only for a split second, but still, I was on TV! Not "on" the TV like standing or sitting on it, but actually on it, like on the screen.

One of the local TV news stations came into the restaurant where I do a few shifts a week as a waiter. They zoomed around the dining room with their TV camera, took a few shots and had an interview with the owner. As it turns out, I was in one of the shots. I'm the guy dressed in black, standing off to the left, in the distance.

Go to http://www.wtae.com/ and you'll see me. I'd like to say it was my 15 minutes of fame but in reality is more like my 1.5 seconds of fame. It was all very cool and exciting.

Clickity clack

Every now and then I see a TV commercial which makes me say, "WOW". This is one of the commercials that stopped me in my tracks and I wanted to share it. A very different take on what are normally gruesome commercials with flying limbs.