Dear Customs Official,
This short note is to let you know that I shall soon be arriving via a commercial aircraft from perhaps eight different stop-overs to arrive at your podunk island. I do not anticipate my luggage arriving with me on that flight so I am asking in advance that you give my bulging hand luggage free passage through customs.
I realize you may not have ever seen some of the items in my hand luggage, like the razor and shaving cream. People around the world have been known to use these two items together for removing hair from one's body. Don't get too excited by the shiny silver can. It is not an Al-Queda-approved detonation device! It is, in fact, AXE deodorant. Please feel free to use some, under your arms, around your torso, down your pants, and on your dry cracked feet.
The look of surprise at my under-pigmented skin is not appreciated. I'm from Africa, we don't tolerate racism - anymore. Once, back in high school, I erected a basic stand to raise funds for black children who had fallen victim to the abuse of white supremists. After not making any money the first day, I returned the following day, full of hope, only to find that my stand had been beaten down and destroyed.
Since it will more than likely be hotter in your airport than it is at the center of the sun, I shall be wearing cargo shorts, flip-flops and a t-shirt. In your experienced opinion, would I be showing too much flesh? I wouldn't want to have my ankles smacked with a dry stick by one of your religious police officers.
Do not be surprised by the fact that I am not being followed by a herd of desert goats as I pass through your venerated establishment. I realize many visitors to your fine country prefer to travel with their livestock, but I shall be leaving mine back on the arid farm as I find they get very bored very quickly on the plane and as such tend to cause havoc. I do not want to be labeled, "that white tourist with the roudy goats". I may, however, be traveling with my pet cat. No, this is not intended to be a future meal, but, in fact, is being transported (with a valid international health certificate, in both English and Arabic) to keep me company during my stay in your fine country. Please refrain from licking your lips or offering me coins when I do finally let the cat out the bag!
Do you have taxi automobiles outside your world-class international airport? Or should I attempt to pre-arrange a ride via wooden cart drawn by a donkey? Where would I find one of these?
I thank you in advance and look forward with trepidation to my trip.
Regards,
T. Raveler
