I find myself questioning my mortality

Not questioning it in the way in which I wonder if it will happen, for verily I know it shall, some day. But I question it in that as I age - as we all inevitably do - I start thinking about what I shall leave behind. Yes, there's my share of crap in the land fills, but I mean in terms of my legacy. I have no children. I have no son to pass on my family heritage and history to. Daughters are evil. They grow up, they marry, they switch names and that's that. I am my father's only son. My uncle (on my father's side) passed away a couple years ago. He, too, had no kids. So no pressure, but the family line ends with me.

Am I buckling under societal pressures to produce an heir?

I do not wish to marry. That stress would kill me. And I do not wish to attach the rest of my life to another person like that. Children are different. We create them and raise them and spank them. A spouse is disposal. Children are not.

I raised this prickly issue with my father - who, bless, is fairly old-fashioned in his general thinking. But realizing that I am pretty forward thinking, he makes an effort. We spoke about my maybe adopting a small human, to wish he said, "Son, you know as well as I do that you will not love it as much as you would your own child." He's right.

I think I need  drink.

My First Post For 2012

I can't contain my excitement. I'm overcome with joy and I might just cry.

OK, enough of that nonsense. So here we are, 2012. Another year, another round of resolutions bound to be broken. Not being a pessimist, just being realistic. Hell, I broke mine on January 1st. Am I upset? Hardly. It obviously wasn't meant to be.

But all that said, I've decided on some other things I can work on this year. Liek being more social. This is feasible - if I meet people I feel like being social with. I'm finding that whole west coast "fakeness" seems to be spreading to the east coast. And that makes me sad.

To the douche I met the other night: No, I do not think that the fact I speak three languages, have traveled the globe, lived abroad, and attended a hoity toity college makes me better than everyone else. YOU, sir, however, do seem to think that I think that. Truth is, if you continue to wallow in your own insecurities and shortcomings, you shall surely drown. And not even my well-spoken, well-traveled, well-educated hand can save you. Why do you feel threatened by my accomplishments? I have worked damned hard for them, and worked even harder to get where I am today. Why do you insist on being a grey cloud? Big deal, I've seen the world. It makes me appreciate what I have even more. I'm educated. That makes me want to explore out of my comfort zone and learn and experience new things. Why does this threaten you? I remain perplexed.

Either way, douche bags aside, this year I am quite ambitious in what I want to achieve. I love my job and hope to get even better at it. I work with several talented, passionate, driven folks and that makes all the difference. I want to go back to South Africa in March for my sister's and father's birthdays. March marks a 7-year absence from the Dark Continent. And so much has happened. AIDS and famine still prevail, but my sister has married, given birth to two little humans, bought a house, and had a white picket fence erected. My father has continued his on-again-off-again dalience with the woman he cheated on my mother with. Whatever, as long as he's happy. My other sister graduated high school, and celebrated her 21st. My younger brother dropped out of high school, and also celebrated his 21st. My mother still refuses to work and believes a man should look after her. Perhaps 2012 will be the year she learns to use a computer. Perhaps not.

Later in the year, I'd like to go somewhere I have never been before. Like maybe Iceland. Or Peru. Somewhere cheap and off the beaten track. And yes, I know Iceland is not cheap, but airfare deals can be found.

I want to listen more, and talk less. I want to tone down my cynicism because everyone has something important to offer (as I start to foam at the mouth). I want to give more, maybe get involved in a volunteer venture.

This year I want to get a car. I need to be mobile.

Like I said, 2012 is going to be the year I take myself out of my comfort zone, do more with less. Let's see if any of it comes to fruition.