... I embellish my resume. But just a little.

After months of sleeping in until 3pm each day, I've decided I need to pull finger and start making a contribution to society again. Wake up early in the morning at 9am, drag my tired carcass into a work environment, and make a monthly pay check.

But in order to put myself out there, I need to stand out from the thousands and hundreds of other resumes passing the recruiter's desk.

Maybe I could do it in my cover letter. Would it make me sound more intelligent to start with the word ‘dude’, even if the recruiter is a female? ‘Dude, I used to work as Nelson Mandela's military advisor.’ ‘Dude, my first solo surgery was an endoscopic thoracic sympathectomy.’ Or ‘Dude, I was so stoked to be nominated for the Nobel Prize."

Or maybe I could boast about my athletic prowess. My power in rugby, or my agility in in high jump. I used to play a lot of sports back in high school. Then I realized you can buy trophies. Now I’m good at everything. That would definitely stand out in my resume under "Achievements".

Under the "Education'' section, I could accent the fact that I attended an all-boys high school, with the sons of doctors and diplomats as my classmates. I could also highlight the fact that I went to college for only two years. That should make them wonder if my intelligence is so off-the-chart that I breezed through four years of college in just two. Brilliant!

But nowadays, employers want to know about your work experience and experts say you should tailor-make each resume to the job you're applying for. So I found a job on craigslist I'd be perfect for and tailored my resume as such:

Work Experience
March 2009 - June 2009
White House Budget Director, United States Government
Reason for leaving: I became overwhelmed by the new Health Care Reform policy

March 2006 - February 2009
Middle East Peace Negotiator, United Nations
Reason for leaving: It took me three years to realize it was all pointless

January 2001 - February 2006
Nuclear Physics Professor Emeritus, Massachusetts Institute of Technology (MIT)
Reason for leaving: Wanted to trade in my ability to make bombs to promote peace in the Middle East

November 1998 - December 2000
Director of Space Systems Operations, United States Airforce
Reason for leaving: Decided to retire my stripes for the world of academia

April 1996 - October 1998
Assistant Waiter, TGIFridays
Reason for leaving: Accepted the opportunity to join the professional workforce

The position I'll be applying for is as a Mail Clerk with an auto body shop.

Then, of course, you also need to supply verifiable references. That shouldn't be too difficult. Here are mine:

Hillary Rodham Clinton
Secretary of State, United States Government
E-mail: h.clinton@state.gov

Nelson Mandela
Former President of South Africa
E-mail: nmandela@apartheidsucks.co.za

Mahmoud Abbas
President of the Palestinian Authority
E-mail: mahmoud@byebyeisrael.org

Johnny Coleman
Shift Supervisor, TGIFridays
johnny_the_boss@gmail.com