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New York. The Big Apple. The City That Never Sleeps.

It feels like I’ve been working my whole life to get myself to here. And now I’ve finally made it.

Two months ago, I packed up my few earthly possessions and hopped on a train. I was NY-bound. I was ready, but my wallet wasn’t. As much as I love this city, it is so expensive.

Odd thing is, I’ve lived in some pretty interesting places around the world: Dubai, Kuwait, Bahrain, Johannesburg, San Francisco, Las Vegas. And no-one has insisted on visiting. I move to NY and suddenly the tweets and Facebook messages and emails and texts come streaming through – friends and family want to book a stay.

Just wait until they see the size of the closet I call my apartment!

Attitude Really Does Determine Altitude

Every now and then, something happens that makes me re-evaluate things. The hot water from my tap doesn't get hot fast enough. My ceiling fan doesn't spin fast enough to make it colder in my bedroom. And my sliced bread doesn't stay fresh for long as I want it to to.

Then this happens.

An athlete from South Africa is seen racing across my TV screen with a 'click clack click clack' as he makes his way down the track; an athlete who, in the face of adversity, has proven that he has both the strength of character and determination to beat the odds, pass the tests, and achieve his life-long goal of competing at the Olympic Games with able-bodied athletes.

And suddenly I feel embarrassed by my own pettiness of my hot water not heating up fast enough, or my ceiling fan not spinning fast enough, of traffic lights taking too long to change.

Here's someone who was born without fibulas, who had his legs (plural, not singular - yes, both of them) amputated when he was just a year old.

Africa is well-known to produce world-class runners. But never before has a runner without legs made so many headlines across the globe. And this summer, the 'Rainbow Nation' makes history by being the first country in the world to send a double amputee to compete in the Olympics.

Sadly, this has not come without controversy. Some have complained that Oscar Pistorius, the 25-year old dubbed "Blade Runner" and "the fastest man on no legs", has an unfair advantage. This despite 100s upon 100s of interviews and tests with 100s of International Olympic Committee members to prove that.

Just five months before his legs were amputated, his mother wrote him a letter to be read when he was an adult: "The real loser is never the person who crosses the finishing line last. The real loser is the person who sits on the side, the person who does not even try to compete."

Tonight, Oscar Pistorius enters the Olympic stadium again. And no matter whether he wins Gold or not, he remains a winner and inspiration to people everywhere.

I Struck It Rich

I received an email today. This email is undoubtedly going to change my life forever. See below:


Dear Sir/Madam

AN INVESTMENT OPPORTUNITY.

I must say sorry for interfering into your privacy without seeking for permission. It's because of urgency of this matter. I'm Mr.Sami Walter, Director in charge of audit and account unit department, of Global Finance Security Company here in London United Kingdom. I have decided to contact you for a mutual beneficial transaction with 100% Risk Free. (lucky me)

In April 2006, Mr. Lu Yunpeng, a multimillionaire and president of Henan-based Yunpeng Cultural Development Co Ltd China moved some cash from a bank in France to our Finance Firm/Security Company. The fund arrived during the time Mr. Lu Yunpeng was tried for murder in China (that's horrific). As his account officer he instructed that I should put a hold on the fund that was supposed to go to China pending on the outcome of his trial.

In May 2006, he was sentenced to death and the fund remained unclaimed till date. As his account officer, I was aware that nobody knows about this fund movement except his cousin who was also sentenced to death with him.

Please, you can view the news on this website: http://en.ce.cn/National/Local/200605/18/t20060518_7005764.shtml

Ever since 2006 I have tried and moved the money in 2010 from our Global Finance Security Company to Alfy Europe Uk through forged documents because I have mandated some transfer for him to this firm severally
before his death.Now the fund is save and sound (really? save and sound?) in the Alfy Europe Uk also an agent of Mr LuYunpeng.

I want to utilize this opportunity and make use of this fund by transferring the money to your account through a friend of mine whom we are working together in Alfy Europe United Kingdom Mr Jonathan Drewe. He is fully aware
of what is going on and he will change all documents to your name as full beneficiary to this fund. I want to work with you on this. The amount involved is Twenty-Two Million Eight Hundred and Seventy Five Thousand Two
Hundred and Fifty United States Dollars Only. {US$22,875,250.00}.

Please reply back and lets benefit from this golden opportunity. You are my first contact. I shall wait for few days and if I do not hear from you, I shall look for another person. On acceptance to help me and all information
gotten from you then we will involve Mr Jonathan Drewe.

These are my private (...private what??)
E-mail:  { mr.samiwalter@yahoo.cn }

Best Regards

It Was My Birthday on Sunday

It was my birthday on Sunday just past. And as you can deduct from the late blog post, it was a non-event. 

Funny how as we get older, birthdays become quieter and less celebrated. Could that be because as we get older, our hearing starts to go as well? The jury’s out on that one. But either way, I had eight bazillion Facebook messages (most from people I have approved as ‘friends’ and yet still have no idea who they are), a few text messages (yes, people still do that), and two phone calls from South Africa – one from my dad and one from my sister.

There were no strippers, no streamers, no clubs. It left as quietly as it came.

No post in over a month?

That's right, I've been busy.


Too busy to send us an update? You know some people actually read this, don't you?


Yes, I know, and I apologize. I was in Vegas a couple weeks ago on business. I hadn't been back since I left that sand pit four years ago. I took this photo with my phone when we left.


That long?


Yes. I went for a trade show. Digital Signage Expo.


And what else?


I moved apartments, I now live in the south hills of Pittsburgh. Not too thrilled about that but at least it's close to work.


How close?


Across the street. You can't beat that.


No, you can't. Anyway, you need to be better about posting to your blog.


I will.

The sun's out. But it's still freakin' cold.

Sometimes we forget that things aren't always as they seem.


Today, I had to head downtown for a biometrics testing appointment with the fine folks at the USCIC (former INS). The sun was shining, downtown was bustling. And then I opened the glass door.


Sweet Jesus! It was about 32 degrees. Now for those of you smart folk who use the metric system, 32 degrees Fahrenheit is 0 degrees Celsius. 0 as in freezing. 


I guess the somewhat roundabout point I'm trying to make is that not everything is always as it seems. Much like that whole "Don't judge a book by its cover" thing.


Anyway, time for me to button up and head on home. Have yourselves a great weekend.

I find myself questioning my mortality

Not questioning it in the way in which I wonder if it will happen, for verily I know it shall, some day. But I question it in that as I age - as we all inevitably do - I start thinking about what I shall leave behind. Yes, there's my share of crap in the land fills, but I mean in terms of my legacy. I have no children. I have no son to pass on my family heritage and history to. Daughters are evil. They grow up, they marry, they switch names and that's that. I am my father's only son. My uncle (on my father's side) passed away a couple years ago. He, too, had no kids. So no pressure, but the family line ends with me.

Am I buckling under societal pressures to produce an heir?

I do not wish to marry. That stress would kill me. And I do not wish to attach the rest of my life to another person like that. Children are different. We create them and raise them and spank them. A spouse is disposal. Children are not.

I raised this prickly issue with my father - who, bless, is fairly old-fashioned in his general thinking. But realizing that I am pretty forward thinking, he makes an effort. We spoke about my maybe adopting a small human, to wish he said, "Son, you know as well as I do that you will not love it as much as you would your own child." He's right.

I think I need  drink.

My First Post For 2012

I can't contain my excitement. I'm overcome with joy and I might just cry.

OK, enough of that nonsense. So here we are, 2012. Another year, another round of resolutions bound to be broken. Not being a pessimist, just being realistic. Hell, I broke mine on January 1st. Am I upset? Hardly. It obviously wasn't meant to be.

But all that said, I've decided on some other things I can work on this year. Liek being more social. This is feasible - if I meet people I feel like being social with. I'm finding that whole west coast "fakeness" seems to be spreading to the east coast. And that makes me sad.

To the douche I met the other night: No, I do not think that the fact I speak three languages, have traveled the globe, lived abroad, and attended a hoity toity college makes me better than everyone else. YOU, sir, however, do seem to think that I think that. Truth is, if you continue to wallow in your own insecurities and shortcomings, you shall surely drown. And not even my well-spoken, well-traveled, well-educated hand can save you. Why do you feel threatened by my accomplishments? I have worked damned hard for them, and worked even harder to get where I am today. Why do you insist on being a grey cloud? Big deal, I've seen the world. It makes me appreciate what I have even more. I'm educated. That makes me want to explore out of my comfort zone and learn and experience new things. Why does this threaten you? I remain perplexed.

Either way, douche bags aside, this year I am quite ambitious in what I want to achieve. I love my job and hope to get even better at it. I work with several talented, passionate, driven folks and that makes all the difference. I want to go back to South Africa in March for my sister's and father's birthdays. March marks a 7-year absence from the Dark Continent. And so much has happened. AIDS and famine still prevail, but my sister has married, given birth to two little humans, bought a house, and had a white picket fence erected. My father has continued his on-again-off-again dalience with the woman he cheated on my mother with. Whatever, as long as he's happy. My other sister graduated high school, and celebrated her 21st. My younger brother dropped out of high school, and also celebrated his 21st. My mother still refuses to work and believes a man should look after her. Perhaps 2012 will be the year she learns to use a computer. Perhaps not.

Later in the year, I'd like to go somewhere I have never been before. Like maybe Iceland. Or Peru. Somewhere cheap and off the beaten track. And yes, I know Iceland is not cheap, but airfare deals can be found.

I want to listen more, and talk less. I want to tone down my cynicism because everyone has something important to offer (as I start to foam at the mouth). I want to give more, maybe get involved in a volunteer venture.

This year I want to get a car. I need to be mobile.

Like I said, 2012 is going to be the year I take myself out of my comfort zone, do more with less. Let's see if any of it comes to fruition.

After a 2-month hiatus...

"So, REJ, You've been kinda busy huh?"

Yup, you could say that.

"Is that why you have a picture of a roller coaster posted here?"

Yes. It's called a metaphor.

"A little 'first thought', don't you think? A roller coaster? Seriously?"

I didn't ask for your opinion.

"Well I offered it anyway."

I noticed.

"So tell your hungry readers what you've been doing during your hiatus."

I got a new job with a cool little tech company. I got sued and charged with 'Disorderly Conduct'. I was going to head home for Christmas but now it looks like I'm not. And my cat got fleas.

"Fleas? Wow, that sucks. Wait, sued and charged? YOU?"

Yes, I don't want to talk about it.

"And that's your right. Ah, ok, now I see the roller coaster metaphor for your life thing."

You're a smart one, voice in my head. Keep it up.

When Fido is not wet-nose healthy

Take him to your local church where, for a few shekels, the church person shall mutter a few words and kazam, just like that, your dog DOG can be blessed by GOD.

It truly is amazing what money buys you these days.

Kingdom of Bahrain

                         Bahrain International Airport




Dear Customs Official,

This short note is to let you know that I shall soon be arriving via a commercial aircraft from perhaps eight different stop-overs to arrive at your podunk island. I do not anticipate my luggage arriving with me on that flight so I am asking in advance that you give my bulging hand luggage free passage through customs.

I realize you may not have ever seen some of the items in my hand luggage, like the razor and shaving cream. People around the world have been known to use these two items together for removing hair from one's body. Don't get too excited by the shiny silver can. It is not an Al-Queda-approved detonation device! It is, in fact, AXE deodorant. Please feel free to use some, under your arms, around your torso, down your pants, and on your dry cracked feet.

The look of surprise at my under-pigmented skin is not appreciated. I'm from Africa, we don't tolerate racism - anymore. Once, back in high school, I erected a basic stand to raise funds for black children who had fallen victim to the abuse of white supremists. After not making any money the first day, I returned the following day, full of hope, only to find that my stand had been beaten down and destroyed.

Since it will more than likely be hotter in your airport than it is at the center of the sun, I shall be wearing cargo shorts, flip-flops and a t-shirt. In your experienced opinion, would I be showing too much flesh? I wouldn't want to have my ankles smacked with a dry stick by one of your religious police officers.

Do not be surprised by the fact that I am not being followed by a herd of desert goats as I pass through your venerated establishment. I realize many visitors to your fine country prefer to travel with their livestock, but I shall be leaving mine back on the arid farm as I find they get very bored very quickly on the plane and as such tend to cause havoc. I do not want to be labeled, "that white tourist with the roudy goats". I may, however, be traveling with my pet cat. No, this is not intended to be a future meal, but, in fact, is being transported (with a valid international health certificate, in both English and Arabic) to keep me company during my stay in your fine country. Please refrain from licking your lips or offering me coins when I do finally let the cat out the bag!

Do you have taxi automobiles outside your world-class international airport? Or should I attempt to pre-arrange a ride via wooden cart drawn by a donkey? Where would I find one of these?

I thank you in advance and look forward with trepidation to my trip.

Regards,

T. Raveler

I'm going back to the Land of Sand

Several years ago, I boarded a plane in a dirty little airport in Abu Dhabi and settled back in my squished-yet-cushioned seat for what was going to be a very long flight - via Amsterdam, on to San Francisco. Now it appears that five years of trying to get all that of the Middle Eastern deserts out of my ears, I have an itch to go back. And so shall it be. That itch shall be scratched.

Next week I shall be boarding yet another plane. This one bound for Bahrain, via where who knows?! An email, a phone call, and a job offer later, I find myself headed back to the hottest place on the planet. Sure, we're going into winter, but all that means is a little less sizzle - until May. Will keep yinz updated.

It's called urban camping

And it sucks. It's like being back in college.

A couple weeks back my electricity was switched off. Turns out I forgot to pay my bill. Hey, it happens. Sometimes you think, "Today I shall pay my electric bill", and then something comes up and you forget and you think, "Ok, I'll do it tomorrow".

Unbeknownst to me, my bill was a whopping $1400. Have I been paying for the entire city's electric? Not cool. Either way,  I get home from work, walk into my sweat box, have a shower (candle light - it's all very romantic) and try to fall asleep.

I finally realized where that rancid odor was coming from. When your fridge isn't running, it can't keep its contents fresh. As such, I had to clean out the mold forest that had devoured my fridge. It's almost paid up so hopefully I'll have lights and air conditioning for the weekend.

British vs. Italian

So a couple weeks back I started working at this new Italian restaurant in my neighborhood. Small. Cozy. Good food. I'm not gonna lie, at the end of the first couple shifts, I wanted to hack off my own feet with a butter knife. Standing and running and slipping and bending over for about six hours straight tends to do damage to one's feet.

But now I'm getting used to it - and the nice regular pay check.

Stop by for a munch, Italian-style. The British may have cornered the bangers & mash market, but we're working on conquering the salmon, pasta, and baciole markets.

HOT HOT HOT

I remember when I lived in the Middle East, the temperature would often soar above 50 degrees Celsius. And if you were in say, Dubai, where the humidity is 100%, well, you can imagine the heat.


So I'm left puzzled and perplexed at how meteorologists and weather experts are saying this is going to be the hottest summer on record. Come on, really? Today in Pittsburgh it's just 34 degrees Celcius. Sure, it's a little toasty, but seriously, it's not that bad. Hop on an Emirates flight and spend a day or two in the Land of Sand. THEN you'll know what hot is.

How can something so deadly be so beautiful?

Another week, another volcanic eruption in Iceland.

I was speaking to a friend yesterday about this beautiful puff of smoke up there on the very top of the world and he asked how we pissed off Mother Nature so badly as to have random tsunamis, volcanic eruptions, landslides, and extreme seasons.

My only thought to appease this Mother Nature person is to sacrifice a virgin by tossing her into the volcano. Only problem is, this is 2011. Where do you find a virgin?

The end of the world is nigh

Question: Why is everyone so obsessed with the apocolypse, or armageddon? They say the world will end tomorrow. It was also supposed to end in 2000. And according to those smart Mayan folk, you have until the 21st of December 2012 to get all your Sodom and Gomorrah desires dealt with. 

I've got too much going on to even think about. If it ends, it ends. Am I supposed to plan for it? Make provisions by stock-piling cans of beans and soup in my basement? Should I try escape it? What fun would that be? Imagine it for a minute, you're the sole survivor of the apocolypse. You crawl out of your bunker like a squirrel crawls out of its' tree hole at the end of winter only to find...nothing. If it's the end of the world, there's nothing. No trees, no Rite Aids, no gas stations, no McDonald's. Just nothingness. 

Heaven? Hell? Yowza, this is getting to deep for me. Let's see what The Onion has to say.   

Death smells like moth balls

Sick men are like babies. Scratch that. Sick men ARE babies. A persistent fever of 103 never killed anyone, geez. Suck it up. But either way, I decided that should I survive this douse of bubonic plague, I was going to go coffin shopping. It's kinda like shoe shopping, but it's not.



So I shopped around. This is the type of casket I want. Very smart. This is the corpse carriage I want our Lord and Saviour to see me in when She greets me at the pearly gates. Very smart, it makes a smacking statement.

Then I looked in my wallet and realized this is probably all I could afford - a d-i-y version of a pine box. Pffffff. Just throw me in an oven. I probably wouldn't even feel the heat given my persistent fever of 103.

I. am. sick.

I feel like this man looks! I have a fever, and my carcass aches, and my nose is running, my chest is congested, and I'm coughing up all sorts of things people shouldn't be coughing up. I haven't been sick in years, and then BAM! Zapped like lightening.

People at work are avoiding me like I have the plague - and working in cubicles doesn't help. Neither does the freezing cold airconditioning. My desk looks like a pharmacy counter. Sure, sometimes men are babies when they are sick, but come on, this has got to be strep throat, or tonsilitis, or something bad and viscous.

I hope I make a fully recovery soon. It's my birthday on Friday and I want to go to Philadelphia for the weekend.

Beannachtaí na Féile Pádraig

Yes, it's almost that time of the year again, when all those of Polish, Greek, Lithuanian, Mexican and Chinese descent pretend they are Irish and drink all things green. If this past Saturday parade day is anything to go by, this coming Thursday is going to be dangerous!